The Legend of the Cursed Bagel
by Arcane Yrth
Summary: How Luigi saved the day by crying and eating bagels. This is drink-writing at it's finest. Drink-writing c me.


The Legend of the Cursed Bagel

* * *

Well…warning: This fanfiction causes seizures. Heh.;)

* * *

One day Luigi the plumber was really hungry for a bagel, so he took a detour to a local bakery. The sign read "Bakery, RLY"_ Hmm, never seen this bakery before,_ he thought.

Luigi stepped inside the bakery. It was eerily quiet, yet the freshly baked bagels looked and smelled rather promising.

Looking around behind the counter, he thought he was alone. And then something really slowly rose up from behind the counter; a displeased-looking owl.

For the next seven seconds, Luigi stood frozen into a wide-eyed expression, and the white owl stared apathetically without blinking.

Then, in the discomfort, Luigi started moving his eyes slowly away from the owl.

The long silence prevailed.

Finally, Luigi loosened up and said "Umm. Yeah, I'd like a…bagel, please."

"O RLY?" replied the owl.

Luigi blinked and said, "Si. I was hungry, and I just came by this bakery, and I like bagels, so, I would really like a bagel, please."

". . . O RLY?"

". . . Yes." Said Luigi awkwardly. "Really."

"Ummm, you are really creeping me out."

"O RLY?" And that time it was deafeningly loud.

"Yes. Really."

Then the owl said nothing. Instead it coughed up a pellet, not removing its eyes from Luigi.

"…That's disgusting…" said Luigi as he stared at the pellet on the counter.

"…O RLY?"

"YA RLY!"

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY!"

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY!"

"O RLY?"

"YAAA REEEAAALLYYYYY!"

". . . O RLY?"

"Look if you say "O RLY" One more time-"

"ORLYORLYORLYORLYORLYORLYORLYORLY!"

Luigi screamed, jumped behind the counter and tried to tackle the owl to the ground.

"ORLYORLY-" Luigi cut it off by gripping its neck, and bashing its head against the floor.

"WHAT DO YOU MOCK ME FOR, EH? DON'T. EVER. SAY. THAT. AGAIN. CAPISCE?"

". . . O . . . R…LY?"

Luigi's eye started twitching uncontrollably, and he got a gas canister and tried to drown the partially strangled-to-death owl in gasoline. Then he lit a match and dropped it and the owl was engulfed in flames. He had scorched his overalls and his hair had caught on fire, which he managed to put out by jamming his head in a pile of bagels. Insane laughter ensued. (Luigi not the owl) But his mood soon changed when he saw the owl was still trying to "mock" him.

"Why are you still not dead?" He screamed. "Why do you still have the same displeased expression as before??"

Then he froze as he heard somebody enter the shop.

There was no sound, so Luigi slowly turned, and the owl got up and slid back up at the counter exactly as before, only this time he was on fire.

"O RLY?"

The customer, Daisy, stared at the owl, glanced at Luigi and then back at the owl.

She slowly backed out of the room.

When the door closed behind Daisy, Luigi almost ripped out his hair with insanity. Then he ate all the bagels before hurling himself out of the window screaming "BAAAGEEELLLSS! YA RLLLYYYY!"

Luigi was rolling around on the road unaware that he had caused a massive traffic congestion. The drivers were yelling at him to get off the road with abusive comments.

"Get out the way you idiot!" screamed Mario, who was in the pimped-out ride at the front.

Then a fireball with wings flew past Luigi's head.

"O RLY?" It said on its way past.

So Luigi got up and brushed himself off. "What in the hell was that? Ah well. I'm really hungry for a bagel!"

"Luigi, I can't wait here all day, I've got an important plate of spaghetti to get to."

"Yah well, I've got an important bagel to get to!"

"Why you disrespect?"

"Ah, shaddap a ya face!"

"Luigi, if you don't get off the road right now, I swear I will run you over!"

Then Yoshi approached, dressed like a pimp.

"Why is Mario in a bad mood?" Luigi asked Yoshi.

"Yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi." He replied.

Then Luigi screamed for two minutes until Mario finally got out of the car and threw a potted plant at his head.

Even though he stopped, Yoshi slapped Luigi in the face. "Yoshi!" Said Yoshi.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Said Mario "I thought you could talk!"

Then Daisy randomly fell out of nowhere and landed on the ground next to them, and then got up and smacked Luigi.

"Did you eat my body butter?" She yelled angrily.

"No." Replied Luigi, "I spread it on bagels."

Then Yoshi stuck out his tongue and swallowed Mario's car.

"**#&8**!!" Said Mario, and he grabbed Yoshi's tongue, knotted it to a bob-omb and released it. "Eat THIS!"

Yoshi swallowed the bob-omb and his eyes went wide and then he exploded and shot up out of sight. He fell back down to earth as a bloody corpse. Luigi took all of Yoshi's bling and put it on, but Mario stole it off him and slapped him.

"You look like a pimp in that bling."

"Yeah well, you look like a bagel!" Defended Luigi. "Too bad your car exploded!"

"…You killed Yoshi!"

Then Luigi started to cry. "He was the nicest dinosaur I ever knew..."

Meanwhile the drivers started to get impatient and began revving up their cars, so Mario, Luigi and Daisy bounced off the road. When the cars were about to go, Luigi yelled for them to stop, and placed Toad in front of the cars and got himself out of the way. Then twenty-seven cars ran over Toad. Then came a bus, a lorry, a really fast cow and a fire sumo, and last but not least, a tank driven by a cat.

Then suddenly loads of disco lights started flashing, and a song by a gay guy was playing from nowhere as loads of owls landed next to them and started raving.

A familiar owl put its face right close to Luigi's and said "O RLY?" The author couldn't explain why he wasn't burned to death by that fire.

Luigi grabbed the record that had been playing and threw it in a fire.

"That was my favorite record!" Exclaimed Mario angrily.

Then Peach arrived and everyone started break-dancing and it randomly rained bagels. So Luigi grabbed a microphone and started singing: "It's raining bagels, holy crap! It's raining bagels! ..."

And then Yoshi's corpse exploded again and fell out of the sky and killed one of the owls, whose wing started twitching in riga mortise.

Luigi got drunk on bagels and was beating random owls with the microphone stand.

Mario was doing the routine for The Macarena on his own as Peach and Daisy had started a bagel fight. Then Luigi randomly cried.

* * *

The next morning Luigi woke up crammed inside a washing machine full of bagels, and Mario was underneath it. However all the owls were gone, …_or were they?_

"Your fate is sealed." Said a voice.

"Are you my conscience?" Asked Luigi.

"No I am the Bagel God."

"Okie dokie."

"You are to spend an eternity in that washing machine stuffed with bagels."

Then an owl voice said "O RLY?"

"YA RLY!" Replied the Bagel God.

"Wait a minute." Thought Luigi, "I'm trapped _in here_ for an eternity, with nothing to do but _eat bagels_? YAHAY!"

"Hey!" Shouted the Bagel God, before Luigi could tuck in on the bagels, "Don't you care what happened to everyone else?"

"Ughhh…I guess…"

"What do you mean you _guess_, don't you care about your friends?"

"Well of course I do." Argued Luigi.

"Seems like you care more about those bagels than your friends."

Luigi held a bagel to his mouth and froze. "Oh…" And then he put the bagel down. "Well you do realise I am suffering from a major bagel hang-over and can't remember a single thing that happened last night."

"Oh…" Said the Bagel God. "Well in that case…This has merely been a test of my devising. You are the weakest link. Good bye."

"Hehe. Sucker." Said Luigi.

A long silence prevailed.

"Umm…Hello? Bagel God? Do you mind umm opening the door?" Then the owl slowly rose up in the window facing Luigi.

"O RLY?"

"No way!" Screamed Luigi as he saw the owl reach for the 'wash' button.

"YA WAI!" Squawked a second owl.

"SRSLY?" Said a third.

"YA SRSLY?" He was now surrounded.

"WORD!"

"I LOL'd!"

"Shuddup! Shuddup! Shuddup!" Screamed Luigi. "_Please_ turn the washing machine on already!"

"Srsly." And then Luigi became rinsed, tumbled and dried. The white owl turned its head for a full 180 degrees in slow motion, continuously, because it had nothing better to do.

Ten minutes later the door of the washing machine automatically swung open and ejected Luigi and a warm bagel soup. "No! The bagels are all soggy!" Said Luigi before eating them and crying alternatively.

"MHMMHMM!" Said Mario angrily; who's gloved fingers could be seen sticking out from under the washing machine.

"What?"

"MHHHMHMHMH!"

"Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying, Mario. I'm going to try and find out what happened to Peach and Daisy now. See you later."

"MMMHHHMMMHHMMMHHMM!"

But he needn't look any farther, as Peach and Daisy were right behind him.

"You smell like bagel." Said Peach.

"It's not all bagel…" replied Luigi.

"Stop eating bagels and take a shower." Snapped Daisy.

Muffled laughter came from under the washing machine.

"What the bagel was that?" Asked Luigi.

"Wait a minute…" Said Peach cautiously, "Has anyone else noticed that we are surrounded by demonic owls?"

And then Luigi looked at the owls and screamed a scream that had no end, until Daisy socked him over the head with a toaster.

"Shuttup, Luigi. Don't you know your scream causes a time paradox?"

"O RLY?"

"YOU!" Luigi threatened the owl. "You have made my life a living bagel!" And then he started crying. "I wish Yoshi was still alive…"

Then Daisy and Peach kicked all the owl's asses and turned them into something which Kentucky Fried Chicken couldn't touch.

"PWND!" Screamed the last remaining owl as it was being stuffed into a food blender…

"YAY! Go Weegie!" Cheered Luigi.

"You didn't do anything." Said Daisy in annoyance. "You just sat in the corner crying the whole time. You even ate bagels."

Suddenly the washing machine fell onto its side.

"Eh, I did not know that Mario was under there." Said Peach.

* * *

End.

O RLY?

A/N: Luigi saved the day.


End file.
